I'venever felt thisnervous waiting for results!!!

yeah, that I couldnt even type right! still waiting for it, it's gonna be out in an hour's time.

why am i so frikin nervous?!

maybe because I've been nervous for my friends before this too. Law friends getting their results super early, i was nervous for them. Siew from oxford getting hers a few days before mine, I was nervous for her.

now that has all probably compounded into this nervousness I'm feeling now.

maybe it's the aftermath of watching such a sad movie yesterday. if you need a good cry, one that makes your eyes hurt even the next day, watch Never Let Me Go. shit, sad sad movie. andrew garfield, why you make me cry?!

maybe it's because it's different this time round. uni is different, obviously. the skills I used to rough through the exams were mostly build by myself. no denying that those skills were imbued by my teachers and parents from previous academic years, but in uni, you're pretty much left to your own devices. your studies, your schedule, your discipline or lack of it, is pretty much in your own control.

I might have just hit the nail on the head. this time, if I screw up, it feels like a direct hit to myself, because now more than ever, the outcome of my exams are a result of my own work, my own decisions. I'm afraid to find out that I've been screwing up.

but everyone screws up, steph. breathe...

phew, growing up is exciting. ha. haha.

45 minutes. I'll go get some work done

the fleeting joys, the painful acceptance, cleaving to the unchanging

I'm quite broken about the fact that I can't spend as much time as I thought I could back home.

it used to be a month that I thought could spend back home, before i had to spend the bulk of summer in KL for the internship, before I a few weeks before flying back to London then spending the next two years there, as I know I won't be coming back next summer cos I'll be doing in internship overseas then. then after, I'll seldom be home because work is in KL, not Kuching.

it then became 3 weeks, because I had to stay for a workshop in London. then it became 2 weeks, not even the full 14 days, because we had to push the date back a little more. less time at home.

Who knew that leaving for London meant that home would no longer be the place I spend most of my time at? The implications of flying away from the nest are painfully, painfully sinking in.

It used to be that I would get to spend the whole 10 weeks of internship living with my sister. with another sister also living in KL, i thought that those 10 weeks away from home wouldn't be so bad after all, at least half of home would be there with me. but then the news came that my favourite second sister (note, I don't actually have favourites, it's a joke i share with her) has to transfer to Korea, ko-freakin-rea.

so then it became around 8 weeks that I'll have with her. Well, thank God, at least I have the time with her.

Then her company decided that she would transfer by the end of May. I would have just finished my exams! my freakin exams! I wouldn't even have to time to catch her before she flew.

Who knew that I might not see yet another sibling for at least another year? the pains of growing up and growing apart... sinking in. painfully, again, of course.


nothing is permanent is it? I can't easily be in that setting of having my whole family together again, like old times. "like old times" is gonnna be a very rare phrase in my life now. in fact, it always is, very rare, for everyone growing up, it's just hard to accept.

it's hard to accept that harsh fact, to let go, to accept what I know is permanent, because I've been hoping on the fleeting, temporary joys for too long.