Finally!!

You know that feeling that weighs you down if you keep putting something off?

I finally got to doing it. Checked spring insight opportunities. Booked flights to Spain.

At the expense of my time for math homework. but anyway...

I'm feeling the VICTORY!!!

Half way through writing my essay...

happily moving along with the words flowing out of my brain (finally!) and suddenly thinks...

am I actually answering the question?

f* this shit

I dont think I'm made to write essays. it takes ages for me to think of how to put my thoughts down into words.

"I am about it, but indeed my invention

Comes from my pate as birdlime does from frieze,

It plucks out brains and all. "

Iago, Othello

But unlike him, my Muse does not labor. gahh

why I shy from philosophy

I'm scared. philosophy scares me. the capacity of our minds to come up with such theories of what morality is, what the reason to live is and then create all sorts of structures of society to enable such an idea to make sense. the controls or lack of it on society should these ideas be proven true. it's crazy. unrealistic, more often than not. why have it then?

they say that philosophers take the daring journey out of our comfort zones within the fur of the bunny and dangle dangerously on the edge of the bunny's hairs, staring right into the eyes of the creator. they say that philosophers climb out of the cave of shadows and enjoy the perfection in the real forms they see.

i don't agree. I think for every edge of hair that a philosopher climbs on to, they stare into the eyes of a different creator. i think that in climbing out of the cave, they inevitably end up in different worlds.

so what's the point?

every philosopher may differ greatly but they all share the same passion for truth. I find peace in the knowledge that I have access to the Truth. someone once said that religion is philosophical suicide. was it Camus? Marx? I don't want my belief to be a simple escape on what should be the most important question in my life. but the reluctance to embark on the journey is there. why did some of the saints explore philosophy when their answer was already given to them by their faith? how in the world did they survive that journey?

I'm on my first philosophy book and I'm already afraid. Afraid of what this will bring.

and this is not even a pure philosophy course

I'VE GOT AN IDE... I... IDEEEE... nope.

recently, I went through the results of my myers-briggs personality test and learned that one of the things about me is that I don't consider other alternatives. I'm telling myself not to take all the results of that test as gospel and I think not considering other alternatives basically translates to a lack of creativity. many people lack creativity.

but anywayyyy...

my focus is on myself. yes, I lack creativity. I tend to only see the one path I'm using towards my goal and despite walls in my path, I stay on it, hoping that as I continuously walk into the wall, the wall will fall. a pretty silly image, isn't it? especially if there's another road down towards that goal. Yes, it's good overcoming obstacles. but the kind of scenario I'm talking about here is the generation of ideas. on other kinds of paths, it's no doubt that we often have no other choice but to ram and smash our walls. but when it comes to having to come up with ideas, be it for an essay or a presentation, suggestions from teachers tend to hold my ideas down instead of ultimately inspiring the rest of my ideas.

I've always been a bit selfish about getting my own way, sometimes, or maybe most of the times, at my own expense. but at least I feel like I own the ideas I write and present about. and having something to call my own, being myself, has been really important to me recently.