the fleeting joys, the painful acceptance, cleaving to the unchanging

I'm quite broken about the fact that I can't spend as much time as I thought I could back home.

it used to be a month that I thought could spend back home, before i had to spend the bulk of summer in KL for the internship, before I a few weeks before flying back to London then spending the next two years there, as I know I won't be coming back next summer cos I'll be doing in internship overseas then. then after, I'll seldom be home because work is in KL, not Kuching.

it then became 3 weeks, because I had to stay for a workshop in London. then it became 2 weeks, not even the full 14 days, because we had to push the date back a little more. less time at home.

Who knew that leaving for London meant that home would no longer be the place I spend most of my time at? The implications of flying away from the nest are painfully, painfully sinking in.

It used to be that I would get to spend the whole 10 weeks of internship living with my sister. with another sister also living in KL, i thought that those 10 weeks away from home wouldn't be so bad after all, at least half of home would be there with me. but then the news came that my favourite second sister (note, I don't actually have favourites, it's a joke i share with her) has to transfer to Korea, ko-freakin-rea.

so then it became around 8 weeks that I'll have with her. Well, thank God, at least I have the time with her.

Then her company decided that she would transfer by the end of May. I would have just finished my exams! my freakin exams! I wouldn't even have to time to catch her before she flew.

Who knew that I might not see yet another sibling for at least another year? the pains of growing up and growing apart... sinking in. painfully, again, of course.


nothing is permanent is it? I can't easily be in that setting of having my whole family together again, like old times. "like old times" is gonnna be a very rare phrase in my life now. in fact, it always is, very rare, for everyone growing up, it's just hard to accept.

it's hard to accept that harsh fact, to let go, to accept what I know is permanent, because I've been hoping on the fleeting, temporary joys for too long.

Do you believe in yourself?

Omaigawwwd I can't believe how much self-reflection I've been forced into over the past few days. Decisions. decisions that will affect my time in uni, why am I doing or not doing, why am I afraid.

And the MSoc elections too, the whole excitement about it, all my friends running for positions, made the clutter in my head clearer. What you do, how you do it, how people perceive you when they see you do it, boils down to pretty much how much you believe in yourself. 

Yeah you might not be the best and I'm not promising that believing in yourself would make you the best overnight but do you trust in yourself enough to commit to improving yourself? Or is such efforts something that 'other more ambitious people' put their minds to? is it "just not me"? 

Really? 

I won't go on preaching, I myself am a victim of pulling oneself down. I'm usually my worst critic. 

So I'll end with not my own words but those of Stephen and Sean Covey. It's more of a paraphrase than a direct quote but a powerful message they say is that the private victory comes before the public victory.

manifestos of me friends running for MSoc! 

A belated Remembrance Day post

 Marine Sergeant Frank Praytor feeds a 2-week-old kitten named Miss Hap after her mother had been killed during a mortar attack in Korea, 1953.

I know what it's like saving a 2-week old kitten. There were so many worries about how it would grow up, learn to eat, defecate, socialize. Then there's the nagging thought of why I was so stupid to do it in the first place. Considering that my parents would have to help me care for it, I wasn't in the position to simply bring home a kitten out of the blue.

Sgt Praytor was, more than I was, not in a position to do what he did. I never knew my love for cats would have had the effect of creating this humane link between myself and a soldier on the battleground years ago in the thick of the Cold War.

It made me realize how real these people are. That they're not just cold statistics we read of soldiers deployed, soldiers fallen, soldiers traumatized. They're real, full, vulnerable. Each a individual, some of which would have joined in to care for my kitten. 

How they survive from a war, maintain that sense of humanity, I can't imagine. May God bless the souls of the fallen and grant grace and peace to those still fighting.

How I Work

I fill up my time with things that make me happy. be it hours on end of singing with my banksiders in the music room. or painting my nails. or immersing in songs i love.

when my happiness meter is full, then do i work. it's my natural caffeine, happiness makes me go on for hours :)

Finally!!

You know that feeling that weighs you down if you keep putting something off?

I finally got to doing it. Checked spring insight opportunities. Booked flights to Spain.

At the expense of my time for math homework. but anyway...

I'm feeling the VICTORY!!!

Half way through writing my essay...

happily moving along with the words flowing out of my brain (finally!) and suddenly thinks...

am I actually answering the question?

On a more cheerful note

I found a place to be my silent stars in London! It's actually quite an open space but in a bustling city, people just don't quite care what you're doing so that creates the paradox of its hustle and bustle actually affording you some mental space.

The stars are probably not all real. some or most are probably satellites, considering the light pollution so common to big cities. some may actually be the aeroplanes from the airports around the area. but the lights are quiet at least. and they silently accompany me in arranging my thoughts amidst the clutter that accumulates in this heavy thing my neck carries around.

so... yeay!