I'venever felt thisnervous waiting for results!!!

yeah, that I couldnt even type right! still waiting for it, it's gonna be out in an hour's time.

why am i so frikin nervous?!

maybe because I've been nervous for my friends before this too. Law friends getting their results super early, i was nervous for them. Siew from oxford getting hers a few days before mine, I was nervous for her.

now that has all probably compounded into this nervousness I'm feeling now.

maybe it's the aftermath of watching such a sad movie yesterday. if you need a good cry, one that makes your eyes hurt even the next day, watch Never Let Me Go. shit, sad sad movie. andrew garfield, why you make me cry?!

maybe it's because it's different this time round. uni is different, obviously. the skills I used to rough through the exams were mostly build by myself. no denying that those skills were imbued by my teachers and parents from previous academic years, but in uni, you're pretty much left to your own devices. your studies, your schedule, your discipline or lack of it, is pretty much in your own control.

I might have just hit the nail on the head. this time, if I screw up, it feels like a direct hit to myself, because now more than ever, the outcome of my exams are a result of my own work, my own decisions. I'm afraid to find out that I've been screwing up.

but everyone screws up, steph. breathe...

phew, growing up is exciting. ha. haha.

45 minutes. I'll go get some work done

the fleeting joys, the painful acceptance, cleaving to the unchanging

I'm quite broken about the fact that I can't spend as much time as I thought I could back home.

it used to be a month that I thought could spend back home, before i had to spend the bulk of summer in KL for the internship, before I a few weeks before flying back to London then spending the next two years there, as I know I won't be coming back next summer cos I'll be doing in internship overseas then. then after, I'll seldom be home because work is in KL, not Kuching.

it then became 3 weeks, because I had to stay for a workshop in London. then it became 2 weeks, not even the full 14 days, because we had to push the date back a little more. less time at home.

Who knew that leaving for London meant that home would no longer be the place I spend most of my time at? The implications of flying away from the nest are painfully, painfully sinking in.

It used to be that I would get to spend the whole 10 weeks of internship living with my sister. with another sister also living in KL, i thought that those 10 weeks away from home wouldn't be so bad after all, at least half of home would be there with me. but then the news came that my favourite second sister (note, I don't actually have favourites, it's a joke i share with her) has to transfer to Korea, ko-freakin-rea.

so then it became around 8 weeks that I'll have with her. Well, thank God, at least I have the time with her.

Then her company decided that she would transfer by the end of May. I would have just finished my exams! my freakin exams! I wouldn't even have to time to catch her before she flew.

Who knew that I might not see yet another sibling for at least another year? the pains of growing up and growing apart... sinking in. painfully, again, of course.


nothing is permanent is it? I can't easily be in that setting of having my whole family together again, like old times. "like old times" is gonnna be a very rare phrase in my life now. in fact, it always is, very rare, for everyone growing up, it's just hard to accept.

it's hard to accept that harsh fact, to let go, to accept what I know is permanent, because I've been hoping on the fleeting, temporary joys for too long.

Do you believe in yourself?

Omaigawwwd I can't believe how much self-reflection I've been forced into over the past few days. Decisions. decisions that will affect my time in uni, why am I doing or not doing, why am I afraid.

And the MSoc elections too, the whole excitement about it, all my friends running for positions, made the clutter in my head clearer. What you do, how you do it, how people perceive you when they see you do it, boils down to pretty much how much you believe in yourself. 

Yeah you might not be the best and I'm not promising that believing in yourself would make you the best overnight but do you trust in yourself enough to commit to improving yourself? Or is such efforts something that 'other more ambitious people' put their minds to? is it "just not me"? 

Really? 

I won't go on preaching, I myself am a victim of pulling oneself down. I'm usually my worst critic. 

So I'll end with not my own words but those of Stephen and Sean Covey. It's more of a paraphrase than a direct quote but a powerful message they say is that the private victory comes before the public victory.

manifestos of me friends running for MSoc! 

A belated Remembrance Day post

 Marine Sergeant Frank Praytor feeds a 2-week-old kitten named Miss Hap after her mother had been killed during a mortar attack in Korea, 1953.

I know what it's like saving a 2-week old kitten. There were so many worries about how it would grow up, learn to eat, defecate, socialize. Then there's the nagging thought of why I was so stupid to do it in the first place. Considering that my parents would have to help me care for it, I wasn't in the position to simply bring home a kitten out of the blue.

Sgt Praytor was, more than I was, not in a position to do what he did. I never knew my love for cats would have had the effect of creating this humane link between myself and a soldier on the battleground years ago in the thick of the Cold War.

It made me realize how real these people are. That they're not just cold statistics we read of soldiers deployed, soldiers fallen, soldiers traumatized. They're real, full, vulnerable. Each a individual, some of which would have joined in to care for my kitten. 

How they survive from a war, maintain that sense of humanity, I can't imagine. May God bless the souls of the fallen and grant grace and peace to those still fighting.

How I Work

I fill up my time with things that make me happy. be it hours on end of singing with my banksiders in the music room. or painting my nails. or immersing in songs i love.

when my happiness meter is full, then do i work. it's my natural caffeine, happiness makes me go on for hours :)

Finally!!

You know that feeling that weighs you down if you keep putting something off?

I finally got to doing it. Checked spring insight opportunities. Booked flights to Spain.

At the expense of my time for math homework. but anyway...

I'm feeling the VICTORY!!!

Half way through writing my essay...

happily moving along with the words flowing out of my brain (finally!) and suddenly thinks...

am I actually answering the question?

On a more cheerful note

I found a place to be my silent stars in London! It's actually quite an open space but in a bustling city, people just don't quite care what you're doing so that creates the paradox of its hustle and bustle actually affording you some mental space.

The stars are probably not all real. some or most are probably satellites, considering the light pollution so common to big cities. some may actually be the aeroplanes from the airports around the area. but the lights are quiet at least. and they silently accompany me in arranging my thoughts amidst the clutter that accumulates in this heavy thing my neck carries around.

so... yeay!

f* this shit

I dont think I'm made to write essays. it takes ages for me to think of how to put my thoughts down into words.

"I am about it, but indeed my invention

Comes from my pate as birdlime does from frieze,

It plucks out brains and all. "

Iago, Othello

But unlike him, my Muse does not labor. gahh

how else would you explain the deepness of thought that man is capable of? especially if you consider philosophy.

yes, still recovering from the trauma

why I shy from philosophy

I'm scared. philosophy scares me. the capacity of our minds to come up with such theories of what morality is, what the reason to live is and then create all sorts of structures of society to enable such an idea to make sense. the controls or lack of it on society should these ideas be proven true. it's crazy. unrealistic, more often than not. why have it then?

they say that philosophers take the daring journey out of our comfort zones within the fur of the bunny and dangle dangerously on the edge of the bunny's hairs, staring right into the eyes of the creator. they say that philosophers climb out of the cave of shadows and enjoy the perfection in the real forms they see.

i don't agree. I think for every edge of hair that a philosopher climbs on to, they stare into the eyes of a different creator. i think that in climbing out of the cave, they inevitably end up in different worlds.

so what's the point?

every philosopher may differ greatly but they all share the same passion for truth. I find peace in the knowledge that I have access to the Truth. someone once said that religion is philosophical suicide. was it Camus? Marx? I don't want my belief to be a simple escape on what should be the most important question in my life. but the reluctance to embark on the journey is there. why did some of the saints explore philosophy when their answer was already given to them by their faith? how in the world did they survive that journey?

I'm on my first philosophy book and I'm already afraid. Afraid of what this will bring.

and this is not even a pure philosophy course

this new lenovo...

there's something the ergonomics of my lenovo, its keyboard's kinda further from my usual reach, that its edge is cutting through my wrists. gahhh

it hasnt even been a month and i already have complaints. oh noooo, am i becoming like everyone else, people who are never satisfied with their gadgets, carrying around their samsung S4s, xperias, and whatevers yet still complaining about the speeds, capacity etc. holding that huge touchscreen smartphone - something that still marvels me and surely marvels millions more who can't begin to believe how this glass thing responds to touch - yet yakking on and on about it being slow. i can't help but to hear boastfulness in that complaint

i know where i come from and i feel ashamed of myself once i start acting like this. us humans can never get enough can we? when i bought that lenovo, when i got myself a new smartphone too, yeah I was happy, I was finally on track with technology's latest, sort of. but i felt that i was also on track with potential constant dissatisfaction, the need for something faster, stronger, clearer with pixels so great that you can't make out the difference between real life and the screen (has anyone watched that video where the people got tricked into thinking that armageddon came? here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynvKWYvyCqw ).

why are we like that? you're not? but you've got to have something in your life that you want to better right? be it your skills, your looks, your house etc. we're never satisfied. it sucks. it's taking us on a path to destruction, if you link it to... sorry, that's going a bit too far, but true no?

the good book says that only one thing can satisfy, only one fountain gives water so that you'll thirst no more. ooohh, steph's getting religious here. but heck, you don't know how far I am from being good and that's the beauty of it. no one has to be good to come to that fountain, it fact, it is expected that no one is good and that is why they need that fountain of grace.

i've just been skirting around the fountain tho, it's a bit scary to jump right in to it, to be immersed in it. it's tough for one, kinda calls for me to act against many habits I've picked up from the world. also, it's probably the deepest sea one can delve in to, one that is absolutely satisfies, for eternity. and the magnitude of the implication of that, scares me. to dive or not to dive in to it?

f***ing back off

seriously. NOW

poison

all windows and doors closed from you

little of your light shines through

only the cracks.

poison seeps in

into every conversation

every look

every thought

I need that light

but i'm afraid

'cos your sea is the deepest

stretches the farthest

more than I can imagine.

the smartphone trap.

I'm a new blackberry user. Didn't intend to be one, I was more or less thrown into this world of smartphones when my old trusty Nokia fell into the sea and my sister happened to have a BB that she doesn't use anymore.

So forgive me if I act critically towards your dependence on smartphones as a replacement for real conversations with people who are actually physically present with you. Yes, silent pauses get awkward but resorting to your phones, whatsapping another person makes things worse. 

Forgive me if I can't tolerate your preference to send typed out farewell messages that don't seem as heartfelt as handwritten messages, which speak more than just your words but also your unique self in every flourish of your pen or in the awkward crook of your written alphabets. 

But I'm betraying a part of me that doesn't want to be excused for my intolerance. A part of me gets mad when people bury their noses in their phones. 

SO DON'T LET YOURSELF FALL INTO THAT TRAP. 

meh

grounded feet

I'm slightly pigeon toed (guess who else is? Harry Styles! ahahaha. not really a fan but it makes me feel better about myself, haha) and that makes me worried about how it might affect my back. Sometimes it just hurts, especially when I'm consciously forcing my feet straight.

But I realized something recently, the magic of feeling your weight throughout your feet. Instead of just putting the burden on my heels, I tried distributing my weight to the rest of my feet, all the way to my toes. It makes my back ohhh soo relaxed, and it makes me feel taller as well.

Awesomeee....

I almost can't believe how I bored you out with this post. who talks of their feet and back in their casual posts? I hope that picture of Harry Styles makes up for this boring post

ps-but still, another thing i almost can't believe is how i have his picture in my blog. lol-ness...

It's not about gender. It's about how serious you are about what you do

I had a conversation yesterday with someone I respect a lot for the role he plays in our ministry. The topic went to the girls we know going further in their studies than the guys who don't seem as serious about their lives. I just smiled in return but secretly disagreed. Because after my two years in IB, Penang and all around, I can't help but to think things to be the other way round.

I've seen more boys than girls being truly serious in what they do. 

*by the way, prepare yourself for undecidedness in this post, it's gonna be a direct cut-and-paste of my train of thoughts rather than a properly structured, well thought-out post*

So back to what I was saying, I've seen more boys than girls doing better in what they do. When I try to think back to instances when I've observed this, they're mainly at competitions and interviews where the boys' intelligence and sharpness blow me away and I'm like "where the heck did that idea come from?". But come to think about it, I'm always nervous and easily intimidated when it comes to competitions and I may have exaggerated my view of these boys. Because really there were also girls towards whom I thought the same thing - "where the heck did that idea come from?". 

What struck me as a similarity between these boys and girls is the focus and energy that they put into what they're doing. Yes, they're still humans and still play around when they want to, but when it comes down to work, they put their whole heart into it. Personally, I think that guys have more of what my friend calls crude bravery. They're not afraid to give their all despite the possibility of failure. Girls... dare I say this? I'll just put it in first person then. I generally don't take as many risks which also means when it comes down to business, I hold back in putting every possible effort in achieving what I want. Is it fear? It's not that obvious but when I reflect on it, yes, I think it is.

However, (see, I told you, lots of changing opinions here) there's so many outliers to this generalization. So many that I can't even call these outliers, outliers. It defies the definition of the word. I've seen girls so brave that they shame them boys, that people actually say that these girls got 'balls'. I've seen guys whose meticulous focus on their task at hand puts us girls to shame since we're often the ones expected to be experts at this skill.

So I've come down to this, that it isn't  about gender, or whether or not you have enough crude bravery or the ability to work hard. It comes down to how serious you are about what you're doing. What motivates you? How much blood and sweat are you willing to put in to what you do? Then, no matter what gender you are, you'll frikin move mountains and have people thinking "s**t, where the heck did that come from?"

On a final note, let's stop stereotyping between sexes. It releases both the person you're judging and yourself from the limited structure we've built and restricted ourselves with for generations.

Waiting for life to happen...

I'm in an office room in a high-rise, watching the traffic, listening to the faint music my friend's playing at the other end of the table. I'm waiting for my one-on-one mentoring sessions with  A familiar feeling begins rising, restlessness.

Waiting makes me so restless. I have bursts of wild restlessness at times, and I'm still trying to get it. Sometimes, it hits me while I'm just about to sleep; on the bed and suddenly the urge to run the block hits me.

I'm frikin' 20 and I feel like I haven't made much of a change. That must be where all this energy is coming from, I'm desperate to channel it to something that moves me. But the irony is that with the restlessness, comes the urge to jut do something, anything and in the flurry of what happens next, whatever it is I do to try shake off my restlessness, I lose sight of what my inner self was trying to alert me of - 'what do you want to do with your life? this time, this energy, this enthusiasm that as yet, is not tied down to anything?'

i owe the world something, myself. but what is 'myself'?

that biggest gamble

london in a couple of months.

i'm not really sure if this is what is meant for my life. i just hope it doesn't build too much of an obstacle to my passion when i finally discover it.

3 years in university, then a bond. the next years of my life, at least the next 5 years, are all determined. not sure if that's what's meant for me. haaaiiiihhhhhhhh, what a gamble

I'VE GOT AN IDE... I... IDEEEE... nope.

recently, I went through the results of my myers-briggs personality test and learned that one of the things about me is that I don't consider other alternatives. I'm telling myself not to take all the results of that test as gospel and I think not considering other alternatives basically translates to a lack of creativity. many people lack creativity.

but anywayyyy...

my focus is on myself. yes, I lack creativity. I tend to only see the one path I'm using towards my goal and despite walls in my path, I stay on it, hoping that as I continuously walk into the wall, the wall will fall. a pretty silly image, isn't it? especially if there's another road down towards that goal. Yes, it's good overcoming obstacles. but the kind of scenario I'm talking about here is the generation of ideas. on other kinds of paths, it's no doubt that we often have no other choice but to ram and smash our walls. but when it comes to having to come up with ideas, be it for an essay or a presentation, suggestions from teachers tend to hold my ideas down instead of ultimately inspiring the rest of my ideas.

I've always been a bit selfish about getting my own way, sometimes, or maybe most of the times, at my own expense. but at least I feel like I own the ideas I write and present about. and having something to call my own, being myself, has been really important to me recently.